I hate how I look: am I really that fat?

I’ve just looked in a mirror …. I am horrified. Quickly ran to my computer to look at pictures taken recently. Wow. I cannot believe how awful I look.

I have been in denial about my weight for so long, that I don’t think I’ve actually looked at myself, REALLY looked at myself, for a couple years. Talk about denial! How did I not notice how terrible I looked?

When pictures were taken at an event, I’d just glance at them and pass them out of my reach. I look at myself in a the bathroom mirror and just get a glimpse at my face, never looking into the full-length mirror in the hall until I’m completely dressed.

But I’ve been inspired on my journey to want to take a real “Before” picture so that I can do a side-by-side photo comparison when I reach my weight goal. I decided to get in my skivvies and take a full-body picture I can use as my before. I posed in front to the mirror and ACCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! I was honestly shocked. I knew intellectually I was morbidly obese, but to actually look at my bulk in all its overflowing gory glory? Wow.

I know I’m making progress, but I really don’t see it when I now actually, truly look in the mirror. I’m going to have readjust my mental image with my actual current image. I’m mentally looking worse now than I have mentally looked in the past.

I cannot really say that this new mental insight is inspirational. It’s still too terrifying to me.

I have to keep plugging away. I have to stick to this plan. And somewhere along the way my brain will eventually catch up with my body.