Jo's Journey out of Obesity
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"Motivation"
I’ve just looked in a mirror …. I am horrified. Quickly ran to my computer to look at pictures taken recently. Wow. I cannot believe how awful I look.
I have been in denial about my weight for so long, that I don’t think I’ve actually looked at myself, REALLY looked at myself, for a […]
I’ve just looked in a mirror …. I am horrified. Quickly ran to my computer to look at pictures taken recently. Wow. I cannot believe how awful I look.
I have been in denial about my weight for so long, that I don’t think I’ve actually looked at myself, REALLY looked at myself, for a couple years. Talk about denial! How did I not notice how terrible I looked?
When pictures were taken at an event, I’d just glance at them and pass them out of my reach. I look at myself in a the bathroom mirror and just get a glimpse at my face, never looking into the full-length mirror in the hall until I’m completely dressed.
But I’ve been inspired on my journey to want to take a real “Before” picture so that I can do a side-by-side photo comparison when I reach my weight goal. I decided to get in my skivvies and take a full-body picture I can use as my before. I posed in front to the mirror and ACCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! I was honestly shocked. I knew intellectually I was morbidly obese, but to actually look at my bulk in all its overflowing gory glory? Wow.
I know I’m making progress, but I really don’t see it when I now actually, truly look in the mirror. I’m going to have readjust my mental image with my actual current image. I’m mentally looking worse now than I have mentally looked in the past.
I cannot really say that this new mental insight is inspirational. It’s still too terrifying to me.
I have to keep plugging away. I have to stick to this plan. And somewhere along the way my brain will eventually catch up with my body.
Climacophobia, it’s not a fear you see mentioned often. Climacophobia is the fear of climbing stairs. As an obese person, stairs are a great challenge for me. One of my great “wake up” moments about my weight came a few months ago. I’m a member of Toastmasters and our latest meeting was rescheduled to a […]
Climacophobia, it’s not a fear you see mentioned often. Climacophobia is the fear of climbing stairs. As an obese person, stairs are a great challenge for me. One of my great “wake up” moments about my weight came a few months ago. I’m a member of Toastmasters and our latest meeting was rescheduled to a location I had never visited before. The meeting was at a neighborhood clubhouse. When I arrived, to my horror, I discovered that the meeting was upstairs and that the elevator was out.
As I stood at the foot of those stairs looking up (and up and up), I quaked in fear. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had climbed a flight of stairs. I was actually trembling as I grabbed both rails and started up the stairs, using my arms to pull me up each step. My heart was pounding with each step. My legs felt like they couldn’t hold me. My knees felt empty and hollow. I had to pause often up that one flight of stairs. As I got to the top, I was gulping for air. I had to hide myself in the bathroom to collect myself — I didn’t want any of my friends to see my shame.
The worst part was knowing that I had to go down them again. If you’ve never been in such sad shape as I am, you may not realize that going down stairs causes more pain than going up. According to Medline Plus, every pound of extra weight you carry puts five pounds of pressure on the knees when walking down stairs. Being morbidly obese, that’s a lot of pressure on the knees. Or you can calculate the stress on the knee when descending stairs as 3.5 times your body weight. So, I was putting over 1,000 pounds of stress on my knees.
Ow!
I made my excuses at the meeting, saying I had to leave early before the end of the meeting. My early departure was to cover the extra time I would need to climb down the stairs. I wanted no one to see the pain of my slow progress down one step at a time.
But that was then, this is now. I had a major NSV the other day (that’s a non-scale victory).
I was attending a performance of Circus Sarasota at the Asolo Theater with a group from my church. I had car-pooled with a friend who had her two grandsons with her. The tickets were for general seating. And as we arrived, there were few seats downstairs where the little ones could see well. My friend suggested checking the seating upstairs, and I said, “Great idea, let’s check it out.” I climbed the stairs to the first balcony, looked around and up, and saw that there were unobstructed seats one more flight up. “Let’s go to the next balcony, there’s empty seats right in the center, the boys will have a great view.” I started to lead them up to the next level when I stopped dead at the foot of the next stairs.
Instantly I flashed back to that Toastmasters meeting and was about to make my excuses. Until I realized, “Wait, I just climbed a flight of stairs. I’m not winded. I’m not in pain.” I had not even thought about my fear of stairs just moments before. I had gone up the stairs, unthinking, just like one of beautiful people of this world. I must have really puzzled my friend as I turned to her with a broad grin and said, “Yes, let’s go up to the next balcony. Follow me!” And I started laughing like a madwoman as I climbed the stairs, nearly running — which wasn’t too smart of me, because I was somewhat winded when I made the top of the stairs, but I was still laughing as I led my friend and the two kids to the prime seating in the front row.
If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that I have been forcing myself to do step aerobic exercises. I force myself by putting the step across the entryway to the bathroom. Before I can “go,” I have to step. At first, I just stepped over. Slowly I added short routines. After a week, I added a riser. Now, I do at least a five-minute routine on the step before entering the rest room, where, by that time, I really do need to rest.
I didn’t think I was really making much progress. But my body and my subconscious knew better than I how much stronger I had become. Without thinking at the circus, I performed my own amazing feat of daring by climbing that first stairway without even thinking. Granted, my knees screamed at me as we later walked down the two flights of stairs. But I was still laughing even though I hurt.
I think my Climacophobia may be gone.
Today I took the plunge: I actually told my family and close friends that I am changing my life and changing my eating habits. I know what you’re probably thinking, how can it be a secret when I’m publicly blogging about it? I simply never had any fear of my friends and family stumbling on […]
Today I took the plunge: I actually told my family and close friends that I am changing my life and changing my eating habits. I know what you’re probably thinking, how can it be a secret when I’m publicly blogging about it? I simply never had any fear of my friends and family stumbling on this blog. They do not web surf.
At my prayer group, I opened up to my two cursillista sisters what I was doing. Then, after my prayer group, I went and told my parents. I was loath to share this with anyone. They’ve been through this before with my many, many attempts to lose weight. The last few attempts I didn’t tell anyone about, because I didn’t want to have to face them when I failed yet again. And I did fail, and fail, and fail.
But this time I am not dieting. I am changing my life. And I will succeed. And this time I am doing something different. I am asking for help from my friends and family. Even more, I have given them permission to both support and bully me. I hope I won’t live to regret this, because these people can be real pushy and annoying. I still can’t believe I actually gave them permission to annoy me.
It is nice to have a support system (even an annoying one). And I have to keep in mind my greatest support system.
“You satisfy me more than the richest of foods.” Psalm 63:5
“For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.” Psalm 107:9
Keeping my journey a secret was a lack of faith on my part. I know that if I failed, I could do so without the shame and embarrassment with my loved ones. Now, I am truly committed to this path. There’s no chance of me failing at my diet this time, because I’m not on a diet. I’m on a journey. Thanks, readers, for sharing a bit of that journey with me.
This is the first post in my weight-loss journey. Last week, I made a commitment to lose weight. More importantly, I made a commitment to change my life and get rid of the adjective that has plagued my life …. obese.
OBESE, adjective, meaning grossly fat or overweight.
Synonyms: fat, corpulent, stout, plump, portly, gross
That one word sounds so harmless in a dictionary. But it’s a very tragic word when associated with a life — even more tragic and terrifying when coupled with the adverb: morbidly.
MORBIDLY,
a. Of, relating to, or caused by disease; pathological or diseased.
b. Psychologically unhealthy or unwholesome:
Why I want to turn my life around…
My brother is eight years older and morbidly obese (as am I). He just visited and I was shocked at how much MORE weight he had gained. And this was after bariatric surgery. He can barely walk. He requires two canes to move, and uses an electric wheelchair around the house. I do NOT want to live that way. I have to lose weight for my health, for my life. And, maybe, for inspiration for my brother.
And I am tired of being old before my time.
I have dieted before. Lord knows how I’ve dieted! Sometimes successfully. More often, not. This is different. This is a life change. Because if I don’t change my life, what will my life be? How much longer will it last?
I’m blogging not so much because I want an audience on this journey, but because it is a sign of my commitment. If I blog, I stay on track. If I commit my journey to paper (or rather, to e-paper), then it is a tangible commitment.
Let the journey begin…
